Over the years, I’ve gotten plenty of feedback about my body, most of it unwelcome.
1) When I was in college and dating someone new, after a night out, we arrived home, and I pulled out a box of Fruit Loops. After a few handfuls, he grabbed the box away from me, and I asked, somewhat provocatively: “What, are you saying I’m fat?”
“No, but you will be.”
This was a guy (the only one I’ve ever known) who regularly dined on rice cakes. I should have known something like this could happen.
2) During my master’s program, I was out on a first date with a man I’d met at the gym. We’re sitting at dinner when he notes, “It looks like you’ve been retaining water.”
Hmm. . . How do you field that one?
3) Having left home at 17, I visit my family several times a year. On most visits, I’m met with one of two responses, either: “It looks like you’ve lost weight.” Or. . . silence.
I’ve decided that I don’t care for either—even the compliments, the you-look-great sentiments, I’d rather not hear them. Because if you’re noticing I lost weight, you’re sure to notice when I’ve gained. More important, though, is the voice inside of me that screams:
Can’t we find something to talk about other than my body?!
I realize the compliments are supposed to be flattering. I realize it’s convention to comment on someone’s (particularly, a family member’s) appearance. But, I’d rather be noticed for something else—maybe we can focus on the fact that while I was away, I earned a Ph.D. Isn’t that more noteworthy than my weight?
12 comments:
I've realized that every compliment can be taken in a negative way. For example, "You've lost weight. You look great."
Response (thinking)- um, does that mean I was a porker before?
Or...
"You look really pretty today"
Thanks, do I usually look ugly?
See! I guess it's all how you perceive yourself which determines whether or not it's really a compliment.
When I gained 25 pounds during my initial recovery, I had people who insisted that they could not notice. However, when that weight began to come off, the very same people were so pleased with my weight loss!!
I'd so much rather hear that I'm a pleasure to be with, or that no matter what, I'm worth having a relationship with, independent of my size. Ironically though, I love to hear people tell me that I look thin. I guess I'll always be a little delusional in this regard...
Lets first discuss the moron who commented on Dr. S's water retention. WTF?!?!?!? Its beyond a rude guy comment - it is just plain weird. Who says that besides your mother? It's like saying "you look like you might be having your period right now."
I'll be honest, I'm a sucker for compliments....appearance-related or not. I love it when people say I'm thoughtful or have a good sense of humor. Remember the blog Dr. S wrote about how people like to have their beliefs about themselves confirmed? Yep, that's me. I do recall once, after having put on some weight, that a colleague/friend made a comment like "i know people say you may have put on some weight, but i think it looks great. You look so good with curves." Now I admit, i had been too thin and put on some needed pounds, but i couldn't believe the way she said it - acknowledging to me that other people were talking about it. I felt so uncomfortable. At first, my thought was she shouldn't have said that. But woudn't it have been even better if she made the comment and I hadn't even thought twice about it?
I think my favorite is right after you have a baby, and people from all over feel the need to comment on your weight. Oh you look like you've lost since you had the baby (duuuh) or you better start losing the weight now, or it's going to stick with you.People are so rude and obnoxious after you have a baby it is shocking. Didn't they realize there was a baby in there! Unbelieveable it makes me mad just thinking about it! Having to feel everyone looking at you and judging you while and after you are pregnant! That is one of the causes of post pardum depression; feeling fat and having everyone confirming it!
PTC--you're right--there always is another side. I think we should all keep our mouths shut about appearances and focus on things that really matter. But that's just me.
Joyce--how could you not like the thin comments? You'd have to be oblivious to our culture! However, I like the way you compare it to people choosing to be around you/have relationships with you. . . really puts things in perspective.
ps--funny, b/c I'm going to post soon on mothers and what they're "allowed" to say. Sounds like with the woman who commented on your weight, she was seeing your gain as a positive and couldn't even understand how others might understand it in a different way. Kinda eye-opening for you. And, for the record, you seem to be both funny and thoughtful.
as--you lost weight after having a baby? Get outta town! Any ideas for good responses when ppl make these inappropriate comments?
Maybe we just shouldn't think about things so much. If someone compliments us we should just say thank you and be happy with the compliment. Thinking seems to get us in trouble. Well, me atleast.
Complimenting on personality is an easier way out though. Like, "you're so funny." or "you're so thoughtful."
Perhaps it's a whole other post, but why do men feel free (not all men, but many) to comment on a woman's appearance? In high school, this guy in my class said to me, "I saw you at the pool the other day. Looks like it's time for you to start doing some leg lifts or something." Now, this was a guy who weighed probably 95 pounds and was about 5'4". It NEVER would have occurred to me to say to him, "Gee, you look like a strong wind would blow you away, which is a really unattractive thing in a man. You need to start lifting weights and drinking protein shakes." Clearly men are socialized to look at women as part of the general scenery and hence, open for ridiculous comments. I get mad just thinking about it.
Wow...very powerful post. I remember, when I was away in grad school, I used to diet like crazy between visits home. I craved those comments like "you look like you lost weight," etc. Thinking back, I also wanted them to say I looked "too skinny"--maybe because I wanted to stop dieting, or, perhaps more accurately, because I wanted them to think I was disappearing so that they would reach out more. Not that they didn't reach out enough--they didn't know that I had serious eating disorders. I wanted them to help me, I suppose....
Now, people tell me I look like I lost weight all the bloody time! Enough already. One great thing about being heavier post-pregnancy than I ever have been is that I don't worry about looking "fat" anymore. I am what I am. I don't have to work hard to stay this way. I hope I'm making sense here--I have a brutal cold....
I was recently set up on a blind date. During the initial making plans phone conversation, the guy asked me how much I weigh. I told him I had no idea (lie) because I don't pay attention to that (lie). I almost told him to forget about going out, but I decided not to judge him by that one question. I should have realized that I COULD have judged him by that alone when he commented during dinner on my not wearing any makeup. He said he was impressed, but I wasn't.
tl--first of all, I laughed out loud at your 95lb comment. Why do men feel free to comment on women's appearances? (caution: feminist rant ahead) We live in a culture where a man is appreciated for what he does, but a woman is appreciated for what she looks like. Men have power (the ultimate case being rape) and one way they can exercise and retain their power (well, without raping, at least) is by objectifying women, criticizing their appearance (which, b/c of the reality of the culture, is hitting below the belt), and reminding us that no matter what we accomplish, if we don't conform to current standard about how we should look, we're really not worth much (women buy into this, too!)
Haley--I think there's something about being too-thin, too fragile that, even outside of getting help for an e.d., begs, "Please take care of me." Not sure if this resonates with (grad school) you, but it came to mind. Like it--"I am what I am." Let's all say it together now. . .
Annie--so, are you still dating this guy? ; ) Kudos to your for trying not to judge a judge.
Dr. Stacey said:
"I’ve decided that I don’t care for either—even the compliments, the you-look-great sentiments, I’d rather not hear them. Because if you’re noticing I lost weight, you’re sure to notice when I’ve gained. More important, though, is the voice inside of me that screams:
Can’t we find something to talk about other than my body?!"
First of all, great sentiment.
HOWEVER ...
OK, I will admit that I'm one of the loud confrontational ones in my family, in part because I watched my aunt succumb to a heart attack and my mom to cancer instead of telling the people off that were stressing them way the he** out.
My question is this:
If we all started screaming (or even just requesting clearly) these things OUT LOUD, instead of INSIDE, to the people that we felt were harrassing us -- if we ALL started to do it -- doesn't anyone think that
1) we then could potentially stop (or at least circumnavigate) the behavior of others that's stressing us out and
2) because ALL of us were doing it, we could worry less about the cost of potential social ostracism if we actually spoke up for ourselves for once?
Because if anyone doesn't think that women not standing up for themselves and women's eating disorders are not related topics in many instances, they're really kidding themselves.
Just a question. (And MHO.)
I know that I'm way late to comment on this post, but I'm currently reading my way through your archives and this topic brought back a memory for me. I was about 11 and going through that ackward puberty stage. I was by no means fat, but I had started to fill out. I remember playing outside with my nextdoor neighbor and her mom said to my mom (loud and clear, pointing at me) "Wow, you're right! She really has gained weight!". I was SO ashamed, and just felt disgusted with myself. Not a smart thing to say to a kid who is going through a lot of changes in her body and starting to develop her body image.
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