We Say It So Often It's a Book Title

Another installment in the littlem series. . .


*does variation on Peanuts happy dance*

Would you believe there is a book called “Honey, Does This Make My Butt Look Big?” by a therapist named Lydia Hanich?

What I love is, as the Editorial Reviews blurb on the book says, that it helps couples to deal with issues such as “appearance, weight, food, exercise, sexuality, and eating disorders.”

That pretty much covers the spectrum, doesn’t it?

Because the thoughts in our own heads aren’t always the only problem. Sometimes our beloved S.O.'s say and do stuff, based on their own conditioning, that can be, absolutely, say it with me – "part of the problem."

What I also love is that it offers not only various scenarios, responses, and WHY they might or might not be the "right" or "wrong" thing to say when asked a question like that.

I think that really works for folks (seems like they’re generally men – it really does feel like we’re speaking two different languages some days, doesn’t it?) who want to assuage the distress that a significant other might be feeling over body image, but can’t answer without feeling – this time paraphrasing the author herself in the blurb on the back of the book -- just like that "animal caught in the headlights." Ha!

What I don’t love quite as much is that, as universal an issue as this seems to be, it took me two years to find this book – because, as you’ve probably figured out by now, I believe there are elements in our society that work directly against our being able to deal with these problems. But that’s a different subject for a different post.

Today is a happy post day. Woo-hoo!!!

I have politely demanded that all my local bookstores order it immediately, but if you just can’t wait, you can order it here from Amazon.

A Tongue of Weight

Hunger, in our world, is portrayed as a demon that must be slain. We are encouraged to “reduce,” “curb,” and “control” our hunger, without ever considering that it might serve a biological (and psychological) function. An advertisement for Slim-Fast Optima Shakes suggests the product “Controls hunger for up to four hours,” a substantial duration in our crusade. Imagine other products designed to help us gain control over physiological processes: an oxygenated air freshener that helps you avoid breathing for up to a minute, a specially formulated beverage that allows you to delay urination. Why aren’t these products on the market? True, there may be some interest in gaining control over other biological processes, but we would never think we could. We purchase products such as Slim-Fast because we learn from a very young age the falsehood that hunger is controllable and that we need an ally to help us wage the war against our hunger.

In keeping with our fight against hunger, bellicose metaphors abound. We join the ranks of the war on fat as we attempt to combat cravings, to fight the “battle of the bulge,” we enroll in boot camp classes and kick off a diet as if we’re being stationed overseas. Sorry, friends, I won’t be able to join you for pizza this week—I’m being shipped out on Monday. We soldier on, sticking to a diet or fitness regime as if it’s a plan of attack, avoiding the enemy shrapnel of a whiff of cinnamon sugar from a local bakery, the trace of buttered popcorn at the local Cineplex. The helpless frustration here, the irony, is that the enemy camp is forever expanding, a cease fire too distant to imagine, and the only casualties ourselves.

Chasing Slim

Part of the assumption underlying the idea that every woman has an eating disorder is that our culture reflects (and inspires) this truth, making it strikingly easy to derive these posts.

The latest candidate? A book, which I happened across this week, by fashion designer, Cynthia Rowley, entitled Slim. The subtitle, "A Fantasy Memoir," reflects the work's fictional component, which functions side by side with Rowley's life account. However, what struck me was the title as a whole, as it appears on the cover (Slim: A Fantasy Memoir), the idea, which doesn't meet much challenge, that "Slim" is a bona fide fantasy--that those who realize this goal indulge in the good life, while those who don't spend the better part of their lives chasing the ideal. To Rowley, the word "fantasy" might connote her fabled climb from small-town, Illinois youth to major player in the fashion world. To most women, slim is enough of a fantasy on its own.

Thin Is a Moving Target

Editor's note: The post below comes courtesy of little m (you may recognize the name from her periodic comments). lm has graciously agreed to guest post for me from time to time. Let us know what you think. . .

Lots of you all might have seen in the comments here that I’ve mused that my personal physique is such that whether I’m “too thin” or “too fat” depends on where I am in the country. What that finally told me – after much mulling – is that THIN and FAT are COMPARATIVE CONSTRUCTS, not absolutes, and that they depend a great deal on WHAT people think and WHY they think that.

In our culture, we have been conditioned to believe that, especially for women, THIN IS BETTER NO MATTER WHAT.

Another absolute. And it has potentially deadly consequences when taken to the extremes – as Dr. Stacey is showing us.

So one of the things I started to do when confronted with “THIN IS BETTER NO MATTER WHAT” is to shout back – if only in my head –

“WHY?” and

“WHO SAYS?”

Those questions and others like them -- critically deconstructing messages that their creators hope we’ll absorb without thinking about them -- work for me in counteracting that never-ending assault. It’s an assault that sets the concept up based on imagery so manufactured that the people used to manufacture the standard don’t even meet it.

Dr. Stacey thought it would be cool for me to share them, and other related stuff, for readers to create their own files of coping skills – since we all deal with this same issue, but it manifests in different ways in our lives.

This will probably be one of my most serious posts. Principally because I believe so much in what Dr. S is doing and want to show her and her subject material proper respect.

Additionally (and with her approval) because I believe that when a disempowering, unhealthy, tyrannical standard has its grip on your life and lifestyle, that poking relentless fun at it helps put it in its place.

Humor is a power tool.

There may be a lot of things that I say that are not going to help everybody.

For example, these days a lot of eating disorders start when girls are pre-teens and teenagers.

I’m neither one anymore, so even though I remember what it felt like to have being thinner matter more than anything – more than energy to make good grades, more than some adult telling me it wasn’t healthy not to eat all day (what did they know, anyway?), MORE THAN ANYTHING – I’m not actually in that space anymore. So those of you still in that space might feel like I don’t have much to say to you.

On a different level, a lot of the questions I ask (like “WHO SAYS?”) depend on challenging outside norms, on challenging the status quo. And for a lot of reasons, a lot of people don’t feel like they can do that. Or that they’re not ready to do it yet.

All I would say is, if you find something here that you think will help you deal, then use it. And then come back and tell us about it.

So to begin:

The “WHO SAYS?” position in my own head got a big boost when I read an article that helped me crystallize that thought that maybe – just maybe – something OTHER THAN my body size was the REAL problem.

So I love this article very much.

Thoughts?

Calling a Spade a Spade

Recently, at Bloomingdale's, I came across a relatively new brand of denim, called "Rich and Skinny" jeans. That's right, that's the brand name. Ever heard of them? Well, maybe not under this exact name, but, truth is, you've been hearing about these jeans for years. So many clothing lines these days cater to the "Rich and Skinny" crowd--this happens to be the only one that takes responsibility.

Rich and Skinny jeans are typically offered in waist sizes 24-31, and the price tag (roughly $200 a pop) suggests that in order to wear them, as their name suggests, you better be both.

One Little Pig

By now, you've probably heard about Alec Baldwin's telephone rant to his 11-year-old (or 12, as Baldwin mistakenly notes) daughter, Ireland.

What I find most disturbing about this leaked voice mail message, after his threats to "straighten [her] ass out" upon their next meeting, is his reference to Ireland as a "thoughtless little pig." True, he modifies "pig" with "little," but being labeled a pig is the last thing an adolescent girl needs to hear. Especially when your mom happens to be Kim Bassinger. . .

The New No-Diet-No-Exercise Weight-Loss Plan

Last night's ten o'clock news beckoned with a diet trick sure to inspire--a weight-loss method that requires no exercise or food restriction.

Following several stories and commercial breaks, the plan was unveiled: chew gum. As the reporter informed us, chewing gum during the afternoon results in 36 fewer calories consumed per day.

36. So, in about 100 days, if you're to chew gum every day, you may (if you're the norm) lose about a pound. How, I wonder, did this make the news?

Scales of Measurement

I’ve never owned a scale. It seems that weighing becomes highly ritualistic, and as others have written in the past, a way to determine one’s worth and mood for the rest of the day. That’s probably why I’ve opted out. But, recently, I’ve been thinking about how, even if we shun the scale, we may compensate by using other self-worth metrics related to body image, namely frequent mirror checks and/or an over-reliance on the fit of our clothes.

“Oh, I don’t weigh myself; I just go by how my clothes fit.” Sound familiar? What exactly does “go by” mean? Why must we rate ourselves at all? Weighing. Mirror-glancing. Checking the fit of our clothes. The self-esteem trifecta.

So, I’m curious: How often do you weigh yourself? How about checking yourself in the mirror or the fit of your clothing? What types of thoughts and feelings precipitate these behaviors? How do you feel after each behavior? And, finally, what would it be like to stop?

Just a Thought

Gwen Stefani is interviewed in People magazine's online site today, sharing her lifelong struggle with weight and body image. She reports that she's been on a diet since the sixth grade and that she continues to restrict (especially post-baby) in order to wear the latest fashions.

People reports:

Still, Stefani admits that she struggled to keep her size 4 figure even before her pregnancy. "I hate talking about it, but it's true," she says. "I've always been on a diet, ever since I was in the sixth grade. It's an ongoing battle and it's a nightmare. But I like clothes too much, and I always wanted to wear the outfits I would make." She adds with a laugh: "And I'm very vain."

She wants to be able to wear her line? Can't she, um, make some of the clothing a little bigger? We're always looking to designers to size up, in order to reflect the average woman--wouldn't this be a perfect opportunity to start?

The Tall Tale of Fat and Thin

In Fat Is a Feminist Issue, Susie Orbach elucidates our collective drive toward thinness:

We know that every woman wants to be thin. Our images of womanhood are almost synonymous with thinness. If we are thin we shall feel healthier, lighter and less restricted. Our sex lives will be easier and more satisfying. We shall have more energy and vigor. We shall be able to buy nice clothes and decorate our bodies, winning approval from our lovers, families, and friends. We shall be the woman in the advertisements who lives the good life; we shall be able to project a variety of images—athletic, sexy or elegant. We shall set a good example to our children. No doctors will ever again yell at us to take off the excess weight. We shall be admired. We shall be beautiful. We shall never have to be ashamed about our bodies, at the beach, in a store trying to buy clothes or in a tightly packed automobile. We shall be light enough to sit on someone’s knee and lithe enough to dance. If we stand out in a crowd it will be because we are lovely, not “repulsive.” We shall sit down in any position comfortably, not worrying where the flab shows. We shall sweat less and smell nicer. We shall feel good going to parties. We shall be able to eat in public without courting disfavor. We shall not have to make excuses for liking food.

Who, given this, wouldn’t want to be thin? It’s not surprising that, barring those who are naturally thin, every woman does have an eating disorder. But, what Orbach conveys with sarcasm and what likely any thin woman can tell you, is how little of this is true. Thin women are still concerned with how they look and smell; the images they project; approval from friends, family, and strangers; still feel tired, sexually dissatisfied, and ashamed of their bodies. And, they certainly, as they are culturally instructed to do, make excuses for their eating.

Embrace the Greys

During the course of conversation with someone recently, I mentioned I was on my way to the gym.

"Oh, you're going to the gym? You're so good."

No, I'm not so good. I'm not even "being good." What I'm doing, at best, is something that will make me feel good (I knew my 160-page thesis on the psychological effects of exercise would come in useful somewhere!)

Way too often, we're confronted with "good" and "bad" in this area. "I had a good day." "I was bad." Good foods, bad foods, good behaviors, bad. There is no good and bad. These are arbitrary distinctions designed to make us feel "good" or "bad," while simultaneously allowing us to avoid what may really be helping or hurting us. Every action, every relationship, every morsel of food contains both good and bad. Considering both sides of the equation may help us eventually discontinue those which aren't ultimately that helpful and increase the frequency of those that are.

We'll Always Have Paris

In a recent issue of Ok! Weekly, Nicole Richie addresses some of the circulating rumors about her. With regard to claims that she has an eating disorder, that she underwent gastric bypass surgery, and that she's using the stimulant Adderall to stay thin, Richie states: "It's sad because what I've come to realize from watching TV and reading magazines is that it's not me that's weight-obsessed, America's weight-obsessed. It's either, 'This person has an eating disorder,' or 'How to lose 5 pounds in 10 days.' Everything is about diet and body image."

While the jury may still be out on Richie's eating disorder history, she utters wise words about our culture's fixation on weight, about how our media vacillates between diagnosing celebrities and offering their diet tips for sale. Everything IS about diet and body image.

Perhaps Richie can use this slant in her advisory role as a counselor in a wellness camp, where "Do as I say, not as I do" has never be more apropos.

Spotted Around Town

At a tea house under a menu item for Chrystanthemum tea: "known as the lady's cup of tea as it has a calming effect relieving emotions of anger and frustrations"

At a Dairy Queen store: "Ice cream is meant to be an indulgence."

And, on a bus stop advertisement for a storage facility: "Your closet's tinier than a runway model's lunch."

More on Fat and Thin

I came across this video on You Tube recently and think it captures some of our discussions on "fat" and "thin," while offering some adovacy tips. Enjoy!

Shooting the Messenger

I attended an event this weekend at a classic hotel, a New York institution. When the waiter arrived for our drink orders, I asked, "Can I have a Coke, please?"

"Diet Coke?"

"No, regular." And, in a particular feisty mood, I added: "Do you think I should have Diet?"

"Oh, no, no. . . " he backpedaled.

Poor man. Here I am targeting all my frustrations about our body- and diet-obsessed culture on him, when he's just playing the odds.

Word Association

I'm curious about our associations to "fat" and "thin," as it seems, based on the propensity of eating disorders, messages about ther perils of being "overweight," and public agreement upon what a body "should" look like that most of us are operating under a similar premise: "fat" is "bad and "thin" is "good." (Dr. Freud would have a field day, btw, with the fact that I first typed "fat" is "good". . . Hmm.) But, beyond "good" or "bad," what do "fat" and "thin" connote?

While I hesitated to ask this question--at least in a public forum, in which certain associations might be perceived as hurtful--I decided that not acknowleding our associations does not make them go away and does nothing to understand their derivation or allow us, ultimately, to arrive at a place with beliefs that are less toxic to others and ourselves.

So, with this in mind, what's the first word (or words) that pop into your mind when considering "fat" and "thin" and why do you think this is the case?

NEDAW

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW), an event of the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), ended on March3rd. During the week, scores of events were held at schools, hospitals, fitness centers, and houses of worship, all designed to convey the message "Be Comfortable in Your Genes." As the Winter, 2007 issue of the NEDA newsletter, "Outlook" states:

Too often individuals struggle against their natural, genetically influenced size just to fit into that pair of "skinny jeans" in the back of their closets. Fighting your natural size and shape can lead to unhealthy dieting practices, poor body image and sometimes eating disorders. While you can adopt a healthy lifestyle and aim to be fit for your particular body type, you cannot change your genes.

As part of the NEDAW, NEDA introduced a number of challenges (see below) that we might attempt in order to move toward acceptance of our natural size. Yes, it's the week after NEDAW, but is this really a time-limited event? Which can you do?

1. Sign the National Eating Disorders Association’s Declaration of Independence from a Weight-Obsessed World to free yourself from the three D’s: Dieting, Drive for Thinness, and Body Dissatisfaction.

2. Celebrate Fearless Friday - A Day Without Dieting - and feel how empowering a diet-free day of self-acceptance can be!

3. Attend a workshop, presentation, lecture, or meeting in your community that will help you feel better about yourself. See the National Eating Disorders Association’s website, your local newspaper or campus calendar for events.

4. Use your voice to effect change: join the National Eating Disorders Association’s national media advocacy campaign to write letters of protest and praise to media, corporations and advertisers who promote negative or positive messages concerning body size, weight, dieting and eating disorders. Sign up via the web at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/.

5. Consciously choose to avoid making comments about other people or yourself on the basis of body size or shape.

6. Compliment someone else for a skill, talent, or characteristic they have that you appreciate. Remind yourself that a person’s value is not determined by their shape or size.

7. Enjoy your favorite meal without feelings of guilt or anxiety over calories and fat grams.

8. Donate your jeans and other old clothes that no longer fit your body comfortably to charity. Someone else will appreciate them, and you won’t have to worry about the way they fit anymore.

9. Start each morning by looking in the mirror and saying something nice about yourself out loud.

10. Put away or throw away your bathroom scale.

11. Look through magazines and newspapers, ripping out advertisements, photos and articles that promote negative feelings about weight, body image and food. Talk back to the TV when you see or hear an ad that makes you feel dissatisfied with your body.

12. Read a book that lifts your self-esteem, promotes positive body image, encourages healthy living or helps you overcome stereotypes about social standards of beauty.

13. If you know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, take the time to reassure them of your friendship and support for their recovery process.

14. Throw out all of the diet products in your house.

15. Remind yourself and others that It’s What’s Inside That Counts!

16. Become a member of the National Eating Disorders Association and join the effort to create a world where self-esteem is not weighed in pounds on a scale. Visit http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ or call (206) 382-3587 for more information.

(from the NEDA website)

Expanding Science

In Telegraph.co.uk article entitled, “Americans Are Getting Too Fat for X-Rays,” writer Harry Mount reports on a recent Radiology magazine feature. It seems that the nations’ expanding waistline is making it difficult to obtain accurate x-ray readings, either because patients cannot fit on or in radiological equipment (like x-rays, MRI machines, etc.), or because radiological waves are unable to penetrate patients’ fat.

As Mount writes, this can raise serious health concerns, if such medical problems as clots, tumors, and fractures are left undetected. The answer is, of course, to build machines that accommodate larger frames and to create more powerful radiological waves, able to penetrate fat. If we can design an artificial heart, perform entire surgeries through a microscopic needle, and successfully transport organs from one body to another, then surely we can design a larger MRI machine.

In a Cinch

In The Beauty Myth (2002), Naomi Wolf writes, “During the past decade, women breached the power structure; meanwhile, eating disorders rose exponentially and cosmetic surgery became the fastest-growing medical specialty. . . . We are in the midst of a violent backlash against feminism that uses images of female beauty as a political weapon against women’s advancement: the beauty myth.”

With this in mind, I began thinking about the relationship between feminism and our bodies, and a number of questions emerged: Can you be a true feminist and still want to dip below your natural weight? As women make unprecedented professional strides, are our bodies more prone to evaluation and scrutiny? Are we all tacit supporters of the unpublished truth that in order to be successful, you must be thin?

Considering the amount of mental energy we devote to judging/denigrating/whipping our bodies into shape, it’s amazing we have the resources to work, love, and raise kids. A friend in college once remarked, “If I could take all the time I’ve spent so far trying to lose weight and to manage my body hair. . .” The sentence was incomplete, but the implication clear—who knows what else she, at only 20 years old, or any of us could have accomplished? And, what cultural forces dictate that we focus on these concerns, at the expense of larger ones? What might happen, if our energies were to be unleashed?

I’m reminded of a holiday weight-control tip I found on prevention.com. The site offered: “For the duration of the holidays, wear your snuggest clothes that don't allow much room for expansion.” Reading this, I found myself cringing at the discomfort (physical and emotional) of constriction. And now, I find myself wondering, is a diet just a modern-day corset?

How Old Are You?

Kind of an odd question, I know. But, as I'm thinking about developing this project, which involves marketing the book, one question that arises is the age of my target reading audience. I'm trying, therefore, to get a sense of to whom my writing may appeal--women in their teens, 20s, 30's, 40's 50's, 60's, beyond?

So, if you don't mind, I'd love to hear how old you are (or in which bracket you fall). If you're not comfortable announcing this in a public forum, feel free to email me. Or, to approach it differently, do you have any idea as to which age brackets this blog/book may most effectively target? I'm curious about how appropriate both the content and writing style are for different age groups.

Thanks!