Do I look fat in this? It’s one of the oldest questions in the book. It also, now, happens to be a book, penned by Jessica Weiner, whom I met at a conference several months ago.
As most recipients of this question can attest, there’s really no right answer. As a woman, what answer do you want to hear?
“No, you look fine.”
“Well, it’s not your most flattering outfit.”
Honesty or diplomacy? Fact or tact?
A social psychology theory, self-verification theory, gives us a hint. It posits that we actively seek out information consistent with our self-concept, the ideas we already have about ourselves. It explains why we might want “the truth” (according to us), even if it hurts. Incidentally, the theory also provides insight into self-mutilation, remaining with an abusive partner, and Stockholm syndrome.
We’re looking for confirmation, not affirmation.
If I believe I look fat, I urge you to join me, to see me how I do.
I’d rather feel right than good.
4 comments:
That's an interesting post. I, personally, want to hear "yes, you do look fat in that" because it's what I believe and it reassures me that I am not the only one seeing it.
It's sort of the same thing, for me atleast, with sports. I'd always hate to hear that I had such a "great game" when I thought I stunk up the joint. Granted,I think I tend to be too hard on myself and am never satisfied or "good enough" for ME. There is, however, a fine line between being too hard on yourself and being able to recognized whether or not you really did stink, or am fat.
Hopefully that made sense.
Great post, Doc. I think everywomanshouldreadthispost! ;)
I recently decided altogether to stop asking others if I look "fat" or if I look like I've lost weight. I stopped because such questions set a bad example for Joey and because they suggest to others that such things matter--and I want to be an example to other women, as well as to my child. It's the least I can do as a mother and as a feminist.
PTC--you, too hard on yourself? Get out of here! ; )
Haley--thanks! And major points for you for giving up this talk (the book I referenced is a really quick read and helps you deal with others who bring up weight-y conversations). Rock on, feminist mom!
You speak volumes of wisdom. Yet an entire generation of men has been trained to respond to this question with diplomacy, compliments and affection, not truth - and it's with good reason. Because despite your wisdom, there are still millions of women who will get furious if the answer is anything other than an immediate "No."
And I suspect if I sat a man down and told him, a few months into our relationship, that when I ask that question I want unabashed honesty, not smoke blown up my ass, his head would simply explode.
So what next?
Post a Comment